I question everything, Everyone and their motives. I’m not sure what the reason for this distrust is, but i find it something that makes my days un-easy and my anxiety intense. I always have to make choices and that is something i am horrible at. To have two choices and the possibility of one of them being right and one being wrong….Its puts knots in my tummy. If i choose the wrong one, then that’s it there are no re-do’s.
My feelings on life have changes drastically in the last three months. I hate how a person can change your feelings on just about anything and your mood and outlook on life. A kiss can put a instant smile on a face, and the feeling of there hands in-tangled within yours just gives you the feeling you’ve been wanting, waiting for. You belong to someone and they belong to you.When thing are well, Everything is all about laughter and you feel great. I feel safe, I’m at the top of the world and everything makes sense. Then like the BAM, things start to happen. Starting to notice things, the lies. The change in the voice, the unfamiliar manerisums thats have been hidden. The parts that i haven’t seen but have grown to know. Distrust is instilled. Once it’s there it questions everything you thought you knew. It makes it possible for option 2 to waltz on in an promise you the world. Making you think you aren’t happy. Everything changes, i don’t see the world around me as i did.
So making the choice because Option one lied again and gave you another reason to distrust. Weeks after week trying to fight what you call fate… but your mind is already made up. Once you end things, it’s really over, bam no going back. you can’t fix something you walked away from. You can’t go back and be like OH, I DIDN’T MEAN WHAT I SAID, LET’S TRY AGAIN…It wont be the same. Missing the other person isn’t going to change anything….I just don’t understand why things fall apart, and why i always make the wrong choice. Why do people make mistakes that can’t be taken back? What’s the point of instant gratification. Why lies are so common and so excepted. i miss how things were in January. i wish i could fix people like it was a power. More then anything i just want to not want to be in a person’s life so bad that my better judgement isn’t clouded.It’s not the letting go, is watching how they respond.That’s what has the potential to hurt the most. If you’re not going to fight for me why even pretend you could ever love me……
All i know is this: If some isn’t going to love you madly and crazy, with every fiber of there being then you aren’t meant for each other. If they have someone else on there mind, you don’t belong together. Good bye’s are hard but what is worse then farewell is realizing one day that you aren’t in love and you missed your chance to love someone entirely. If i’ve learned anything in the last six months while being in cali its that. Loneliness is a feeling, it passes. Regret, is something you never get passed.